Branson Tri-Lakes News Office 2021.jpg

BRANSON POLICE DEPARTMENT UNDERCOVER AUDIO RECORDING TRANSCRIPT, 1 NOV 21.

 

RE: Audio surveillance of Branson Tri-Lakes News 

 

Chief,

Below is the transcript with highlights of audio surveillance of the newspaper offices Monday night. I don’t think it validates reports we’ve had from multiple locations on the strip saying the paper is planning to do something to cause mass disruption to the city.

Lt. Mae Dupp, vice unit

 

RECORDING START: 1634 hours

 

(Female voice believed to be publisher Mandy Farrow): ...we need to get this done so it can run in late January. It’ll give us a good bounce heading into the spring while there’s not much news in town.

(Male voice, believed to be Entertainment Editor Tim Church): I’m sure we can get it together without a problem.

Farrow: The thing is, we need to make sure whoever we choose for these awards will be non-controversial, and won’t offend both tourists and residents. They need to be warm and friendly.

(Female voice, believed to be AJ Meakins): Then we probably need to leave our reporter from Philadelphia out of this.

(Note to Chief: We believe hand gestures were being made in his moment of silence.)

Church: People love these kinds of things anyway, so I doubt anyone we choose will be controversial.

Farrow: OK, then let’s start with Branson Male Entertainer of the Year.

Meakins: Easy. Just pick a pretty boy like Michael Haygood.

Church: Yeah, Michael is a definite no-go.

Meakins: Why?

(Male voice, assumed to be Jason Wert): Michael kind of messed everything up a few years ago.

Church: He got married. All the single women that came to their show two dozen times a year just to see him now harbor resentment that he married someone more talented and pretty than him.

Wert: The last thing we need is a bunch of angry single ladies upset he put a ring on it.

(Loud groaning.)

Farrow: OK, what about we go with Dean Z?

Wert: Um....Elvis in Hawaii? Do you really want to remind people they’re stuck in Branson in February rather than sunning themselves in Oahu?

Meakins: Joe Tinoco from Magnificent 7.

Church: Sounds too much like Sunoco and it’ll make people think of the big jump in gas prices.

Farrow: Clay Cooper?

Wert: Dallas Cowboys fan.

(a few minutes of silence)

Meakins: What if we go away from music and do a magician like Reza?

Wert: Have you seen his show? He feeds an audience member an Oreo cookie where he licks out the filling and then “magically” puts it back. Can’t do that in the age of COVID.

Church: Plus it’s gross.

Farrow: True dat.

Meakins: Well, then let’s come back to that one. Female Entertainer of the Year. Pick someone who’s a safe, family-friendly person like a Dutton.

Church: Yeah, that could be an issue because they go to Arizona every winter.

Wert: Arizona’s kind of a political hot spot, and you know how people get when politics comes up.

Meakins: But that’s not the Duttons fault.

Wert: Plus they go to the Phoenix area, which just reminds everyone in Branson we can’t get an In-And-Out Burger place here.

Farrow: That disqualifies them.

Church: Big time.

Farrow: What about Kari Garrison with Clay’s show?

Meakins: Oh no way. She dates that Josh guy from that self-described mediocre morning radio show on KRZK.

Wert: People will question her judgment because of that.

Church: I know I do.

Farrow: COME ON PEOPLE. There has to be some kind of award we can give out from the staff which won’t offend anyone and give us a chance to have a special celebration in the dead of winter when everyone’s tired of grey skies, dead trees, and ice-cold temperatures.

(silence)

Meakins: I GOT IT! 

Wert: Yeah?

Meakins: Shoji Tabuchi!  Everybody loves Shoji and there is absolutely nothing bad someone could hold against Shoji!

Farrow: That’s brilliant! The city honored him last year, so we can just continue it with an additional “Year of Shoji!”

Church: Plus if he’s coming back in 2022 with shows, it would give us a chance to announce that before anyone else!

(general murmuring of positive comments about Shoji.)

Church: Um...Jason? You’re being unusually quiet.

Wert: Is Shoji still under a 5 handicap on the golf course?

Church: Don’t you dare say it.

Wert: Honoring him will just make all the golfers who visit our area remember how bad they are compared to Shoji. We don’t want to hurt tourist feelings.

Farrow:  Get out.

Meakins: Is that a police car in the parking lot?

 

RECORDING END: 1843 hours

(1) comment

TheOzarker

That is hilarious!!!

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